You're gonna go far, kid.

It has been made clear to me that the war between heart and mind can be one of the toughest battles to fight. It drains you not only emotionally, but effects you physically. You start to realize the difference between wants and needs, and who you truly are. You start to negotiate whats wrong and whats right. The challenge being... reality. Once you step into reality everything becomes more real, as you realize that no one actually cares for another, that everyone is confused, and when you thought you were the outcast, you realize everyone else is to. There is no actual 'clique' of people, no actual 'type' of a personality, and no 'crowd' to follow. You soon realize that everything you were chasing after was a speck in the wind, that all the dreams of rich and fame was just a phase, and you don't need to be accepted by others, but accept the one's who are worth it into your life. That it wasn't about fitting in the crowd of sheep, but being able to fit in the tiny space of anothers heart. That to hold a grudge, hurts you more than it hurts the other, only adding weight to your shoulders. That behind the mask of evil, there is always hope trying to break through. As the clock runs out faster and faster, you rush, panicking, worrying about what you haven't achieved instead of taking a step back and looking at what you have done, what hearts you've changed. When you step out of the picture and look at it with a different perspective you start to understand the crude and harshness of others, you learn that the people who are rude and embarrass you in front of others are broken, and deep down, they envy you for being whole.  When you put your heart on the line for someone else, it speaks louder than the words your mind makes up for you. When you start to b e l i e v e in the impossible, it's up to YOU to achieve it, and only YOU can make it happen. You have to break the chains of hell and run, run toward to the sunset, and once you get there...keep going. Refusing to look back, putting the past to sleep. When you lay your head to bed at night, remember the dreams you once dreamed, and remember in the morning the only person you have is Y O U.

Reaching the surface.

As I start to reminess on the life God granted me, I feel as if I have wasted to much time worrying about the people around me, and what they want, instead of what I truly want. I watch my dreams fade away as I become more obsessed with buckle jeans and designer shirts. I hand away my dreams to society as I get pulled in more and more. They say drowing is one of the most peacful ways to die, that your body sufficates it's self before the water has a chance to fill your lungs. I wonder if drowing is like getting pulled into society, you loose yourself to the latest trends, the music, drugs and alcohol, and worrying more about what car you drive instead of the person you are inside. I wonder when drowing if you notice your life slip away faster and faster as you try to hold on for one more second. I find myself wishing for one more moment, a little more time to hold onto my heart, to scream FUCK YOU to the bitches who think I owe them a reason for the way I live, I wish that I followed my heart, instead of letting a friend dictate the way I think. I watch my life as it becomes more and more blurry, that everything I had in grasp is slipping away as I fall deeper and deeper into the pits of hell, loosing more and more breath. My fear... is that by the time I'm realeased, my dreams will be suffocated, and it would be to late to swim up to the surface.

Today, I finially reached the breaking point, that I can't control what life brings me, I cant control the loss of a friendship, I can't control death and I can't control the lives around me, BUT I CAN control my actions, my thoughts, I CAN control if I let someone get to me, I CAN control if I want to do this OR that, and I DO NOT have to provide a reason for why I did something. I realized that not everyone is going to approve of my morals, and I can't control the feelings they have towards me, BUT I CAN control if I let that ruin the rest of my day.

Today I finally realized I CAN, If I'm willing to fight the battle, no one has the right to tell me I can't. I constantly find keys to new doors in my life, and it's up to me to open them, and not regret picking the door I chose. I don't want to regret, I don't want to forget, I don't want to compromise, I want to embrace every moment i'm given, there is a reason I am A L I V E.

Now, i'm not exactly sure what I'm to do in this life of mine, and If the door I choose will get me where I want, but I am positive...that whatever I choose; will bring me one step closer to being free from the drowning of my dreams, that I'll be closer to the surface, and once I take my first breath, I can say I'm free, that I made it, that I cheated death.