You're gonna go far, kid.

It has been made clear to me that the war between heart and mind can be one of the toughest battles to fight. It drains you not only emotionally, but effects you physically. You start to realize the difference between wants and needs, and who you truly are. You start to negotiate whats wrong and whats right. The challenge being... reality. Once you step into reality everything becomes more real, as you realize that no one actually cares for another, that everyone is confused, and when you thought you were the outcast, you realize everyone else is to. There is no actual 'clique' of people, no actual 'type' of a personality, and no 'crowd' to follow. You soon realize that everything you were chasing after was a speck in the wind, that all the dreams of rich and fame was just a phase, and you don't need to be accepted by others, but accept the one's who are worth it into your life. That it wasn't about fitting in the crowd of sheep, but being able to fit in the tiny space of anothers heart. That to hold a grudge, hurts you more than it hurts the other, only adding weight to your shoulders. That behind the mask of evil, there is always hope trying to break through. As the clock runs out faster and faster, you rush, panicking, worrying about what you haven't achieved instead of taking a step back and looking at what you have done, what hearts you've changed. When you step out of the picture and look at it with a different perspective you start to understand the crude and harshness of others, you learn that the people who are rude and embarrass you in front of others are broken, and deep down, they envy you for being whole.  When you put your heart on the line for someone else, it speaks louder than the words your mind makes up for you. When you start to b e l i e v e in the impossible, it's up to YOU to achieve it, and only YOU can make it happen. You have to break the chains of hell and run, run toward to the sunset, and once you get there...keep going. Refusing to look back, putting the past to sleep. When you lay your head to bed at night, remember the dreams you once dreamed, and remember in the morning the only person you have is Y O U.

Reaching the surface.

As I start to reminess on the life God granted me, I feel as if I have wasted to much time worrying about the people around me, and what they want, instead of what I truly want. I watch my dreams fade away as I become more obsessed with buckle jeans and designer shirts. I hand away my dreams to society as I get pulled in more and more. They say drowing is one of the most peacful ways to die, that your body sufficates it's self before the water has a chance to fill your lungs. I wonder if drowing is like getting pulled into society, you loose yourself to the latest trends, the music, drugs and alcohol, and worrying more about what car you drive instead of the person you are inside. I wonder when drowing if you notice your life slip away faster and faster as you try to hold on for one more second. I find myself wishing for one more moment, a little more time to hold onto my heart, to scream FUCK YOU to the bitches who think I owe them a reason for the way I live, I wish that I followed my heart, instead of letting a friend dictate the way I think. I watch my life as it becomes more and more blurry, that everything I had in grasp is slipping away as I fall deeper and deeper into the pits of hell, loosing more and more breath. My fear... is that by the time I'm realeased, my dreams will be suffocated, and it would be to late to swim up to the surface.

Today, I finially reached the breaking point, that I can't control what life brings me, I cant control the loss of a friendship, I can't control death and I can't control the lives around me, BUT I CAN control my actions, my thoughts, I CAN control if I let someone get to me, I CAN control if I want to do this OR that, and I DO NOT have to provide a reason for why I did something. I realized that not everyone is going to approve of my morals, and I can't control the feelings they have towards me, BUT I CAN control if I let that ruin the rest of my day.

Today I finally realized I CAN, If I'm willing to fight the battle, no one has the right to tell me I can't. I constantly find keys to new doors in my life, and it's up to me to open them, and not regret picking the door I chose. I don't want to regret, I don't want to forget, I don't want to compromise, I want to embrace every moment i'm given, there is a reason I am A L I V E.

Now, i'm not exactly sure what I'm to do in this life of mine, and If the door I choose will get me where I want, but I am positive...that whatever I choose; will bring me one step closer to being free from the drowning of my dreams, that I'll be closer to the surface, and once I take my first breath, I can say I'm free, that I made it, that I cheated death.

Growing.

There comes a point in life where you realize how much you are worth, how much you deserve, and how much you should be appreciated. There comes times in life where you are tested, and one day... you realize that the things that truly matter--really don't matter at all. The sting from tears was just dust, the emptiness that sat in your stomach was just a fart, and the little voice in your head is indeed your conscious. (and sadly... just like yr mother, it was right.) There comes a day in your life were you really just dont give a damn (sorry grandma :/) You don't care if your socks don't match, you dont care what you look like without makeup, and you really don't give a flying piece of crap who did who. You soon realize that it takes more strength to LET GO, than it is to hold on... and then you sit there and think, "Did I really just waste all that time in life worrying about this?" "Did I really worry about what the girl thought of my hair?" I worried about this... when I should have focused on this more? (yes, momma... you are right)         In order to grow from your mistakes, the first step is to plant the seed.... You put the past to sleep, you barry your burdens into the ground, forget about the friendship that didn't work, forget about the relationship that crumbled, forget about the names you were called, and know that you deserve better.
      Second step, you need to nurture the seed, in order to grow it takes time, altering, and fighting the demons that you will soon face. You provide yourself with plently of sunlight and positivity, you have to often remind yourself that this is only temporary, that this little situation will soon disappear within weeks of realizing what you deserve (hence the repetition of the "REALIZING WHAT YOU DESERVE.") Water the seeds with the tears, with all pain comes emotion... empty the pain from within... and it will hurt less than it did than the day before.
      Third step, protect your seeds from weeds. Weeds wrap their roots around plants and suck all the nutrients that the plant needs inorder to survive. Surround yourself around people who will rise you up and not suck out all of your energy, rebuild the walls you let down, and shelter yourself from the evil of the world.
      Fourth Step, every plant blooms, the beauty only lasts for a while and then too, this beautiful plant will welt again, know that with this routine, new flowers will bloom, and you will once again realize one more thing in your life, it's a never ending cycle and you will always have to rid something in your life, but don't let random kids pick you up out of the ground and do what they please with you.
Stand your ground... don't look back, and put the negatives to sleep.

The years are going by fast.

When we were first entered into this world we were given endless possibilities to become who ever we wanted to be, the first day of kindergarten guaranteed the destiny of the life that we will live. Our teacher greeted us with a warm welcoming smile as we took our seat, scared of what would be going on for the next 2 hours or so of this new experience. We were taught the rules of life, no hitting, no stealing, be kind to others, and of course... if you didn't follow these rules you were faced with punishment. (However, once we got the routine down, we pushed our limits to see if anything would exactly happen.) Finally, the teacher would ask.. "Now students, What do you wanna be?" Our responses being.. A doctor! The president! Superman! Mine being,.... aaron carter's wife. Our answers changed daily on what we wanted to be, we wanted to be it all... in our eyes 26 year olds were.. OLD. The mountains that sat on the horizon were untouchable, and anything was possible.

On the first day of 5th grade we sat with our friends we grouped up with since kindergarten and jumped around in our seats (like we were addicted to crack). The teacher was new like all the other ones, and once again you followed the same routine, "Hello, my name is ________ My favorite color is__________ and I have ________ brothers and sisters... I want to be_________. Our answers were more 'real' but our feet were still floating from the ground. The doctor still popped up from time to time, instead of being the president you want to play basketball in the NBA, and superman morphed into an astronaut. Although I accepted I would never marry aaron, I dreamed of being a bride still, I wanted to be a 'superstar' and hoped to God, disney would seek me out and I would be as famous as hilary duff. 

Junior High School started and even though it was a new environment we were told the same rules, we stayed by our friends side from kindergarten and our feet finally hit the ground, everything became real to us, most of us faced our first heart break, we started to shut our parents off and worried more about the latest trends of society. Some got caught up in pleasing selfish bitches, and others picked up drugs, or their own addictions. Our dreams from kindergarten were shut down as we started compromising, we gave up on being the best doctor in the world, and our dreams of being president disappeared once people (even our own parents) told us we would NEVER be that. At what point did we start caring about the clothes on our backs?  if your parents drove a nice car or not?.... or that you weren't good enough to run this country? We let people tell us that we would never get somewhere and we crossed that off our list as we searched for something else for us to dream of. 

Now that we are in highschool life has become more real, most people drive their selfs to school when only a few years ago we were walking to the bus or being dropped off by the people who loved us the most. You became more concerned about who slept with who and if you were 'cool enough' to be invited to so and so's party. We either dedicate fully to school or we don't give a crap, we think we have so much time, when in reality these next couple of years will end before we know it. Our life's will begin. The dreams we dreamt of when we were only the age of six will either start coming into play or they will be just one fantasy we had long ago. The mountains that seemed unreal are now being touched by your two feet and the 26 year olds are the people you hope to be like in a couple years. We spent our young years dreaming, and even though the future is hard to grasp, we either gotta hold on tight or we will never accomplish anything in life. I watch people... and even myself give up daily, we hope that something will snap one day, but sadly, the light will turn on too late, we will have lived half of our lives and it would be to late to accomplish anything. 

I am still the dreamer I was long ago, I still want to be a wife, I want to act, I want to heal people, I want to sing and not care what others think about me, I want to travel the world, I want to cut hair, do actresses hair and makeup, I want to live this life of mine to the fullest, but if we live our life's according to what others want and compromise for people who probably won't even show up to your funeral is a life un-lived. 

I don't want to care, I don't want to be held back and told no... I just want to do it all.